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In many African households, boys grow up hearing that one day they will “get a wife” who will cook, clean, organise their lives, and operate like a full-time personal support system. The message is clear: life becomes easier once a woman enters the picture. Girls are raised very differently. By twelve, many already know how to cook for an entire household, clean thoroughly, welcome guests, and “behave” because “your future husband will need you.” As adulthood begins, men enter relationships with the confidence of someone checking into a five-star hotel, expecting excellent service, while women arrive with an apron already tied. The imbalance starts long before the first date or wedding conversation.
Men tend to gain stability in marriage. They eat better, live in cleaner homes, and enjoy more structured routines because someone is helping them manage daily life. Marriage even boosts their public image; society treats married men as more mature and responsible. Women, on the other hand, often find their responsibilities increasing. Their time becomes limited and their days stretch longer as they are expected to carry the home. Personal goals are sometimes pushed aside, and when children arrive, the workload grows even further. Even in supportive partnerships, society still expects the woman to take the lead in parenting, planning, and managing the household.
Why does emotional labour fall mostly on women?
Women usually become the emotional anchors in relationships. They notice when communication has shifted, when something feels off, and when the bond needs work. They initiate difficult conversations, maintain harmony, and remember special moments like anniversaries and birthdays. Their emotional energy is constantly invested in keeping the relationship healthy.
When men are silent, moody, or distant, it is often the woman who checks in, reassures, and attempts to fix the situation. Many men are raised to be emotionally passive, moving through relationships with the ease of someone who has outsourced emotional responsibilities. As long as there is food, peace, and a working TV, they assume everything is fine. This imbalance drains women while allowing men to benefit from emotional support without offering the same level of engagement.
Domestic responsibilities reflect the same pattern. Even when both partners work full-time jobs, women often do most of the housework. They come home and transition straight into managing meals, laundry, cleaning, and general organisation. When women express exhaustion, society dismisses the concern with phrases like “This is what wives do,” revealing how deeply rooted the expectations are. Men, however, are allowed to rest after work, even when their partners have had equally demanding days. As a result, men enjoy the benefits of a well-managed home without contributing the same level of labour.
Why are societal expectations so different for men and women?
The timelines society sets remain unequal. A man can be forty and unmarried, and people still describe him as taking his time, building his life, or waiting for the right partner. There is no urgency, no judgment. For women, pressure begins early. By twenty-eight, relatives start observing closely. By thirty, the uncomfortable questions begin. By thirty-two, she is treated like an avocado with only a short window before becoming “overripe.”
When a man marries, he is praised. When a woman marries, she is often told she has simply done what was expected. The same imbalance appears when relationships end. Men receive sympathy and encouragement to move forward, while women face scrutiny and blame. A man who leaves is told, “You will find someone better.” A woman who leaves is asked, “Why could you not hold it together?” Women invest deeply, emotionally, physically, and socially, so the impact of a breakup hits them harder. Men, who often receive more than they give, tend to move forward more easily.
Of course, not every relationship is unequal. Many couples share responsibilities, support each other, and build balanced partnerships. These deserve recognition. Yet in many African settings, cultural expectations, upbringing, and long-standing beliefs continue to tilt the benefits toward men. Women are encouraged to give more, tolerate more, nurture more, and sacrifice more. Men are encouraged to receive, settle, and enjoy the stability relationships offer without matching the effort.
For healthier relationships, these patterns must be challenged. Marriage should feel like a partnership, not a system where one person gains comfort while the other provides it. Both partners should feel supported, valued, and nourished. Balanced relationships strengthen homes and create space where both individuals thrive.
Disclaimer: This article reflects the writer’s personal opinions and observations. It does not represent the views of any organisation, institution, employer, or professional body and should not be taken as expert advice.
By Lucky Anyanje
